How To Cope With Loss Of Child

Unless you’re a parent or have a close relationship with a child, most people rarely give much thought to losing a child until they’re forced to do so by sudden loss or news of a child’s terminal illness. Instead, they typically choose to ignore negative thoughts and try to give any children in their lives safe, positive experiences.

As such, people often find coping with the death of a child even more difficult than coping with the death of an adult. This guide provides valuable insight to help those who are struggling during such a difficult time.

Common Causes of Loss

In brief, outside of prenatal and immediate postnatal complications like birth defects, hospital or staff negligence, sudden infant death syndrome and physical defects and diseases, children die for the same reasons as adults. They can be harmed accidentally or on purpose by other people. Natural and manmade events can take them suddenly. They can experience allergic reactions or choke while doing something as simple as eating a meal. As their bodies age and eventually go through puberty, they can experience emotional, mental, and other physical changes that make them more reckless and prone to accidents or certain diseases, especially during their teenage years.

According to Medline Plus, Some of the most outstanding causes of death in children include:

• Genetic conditions from the time of birth
• Conditions due to premature birth (short gestation)
• Health problems of the mother during pregnancy
• Accidents (unintentional accidents, i.e., automotive collisions)
• Homicide
• Suicide

Effects of Losing a Child

When a child is suddenly gone from the lives of those around them, each person usually experiences intense, overwhelming grief. They often can’t cope because of the belief that a child’s death is a waste of “potential” or that the child was “cheated” by death or other forces.

The event typically has a different impact on the mind than the death of a senior citizen. Most people can cope more easily with the latter because they keep in mind that the older person lived a long and full life. In many cases, a senior has reached a point of intense suffering, and death actually provides them with a release from pain. A person can sometimes cope with a child’s death the same way if the child died from a prolonged and painful illness. That said, in most cases, they feel unimaginable sadness and loss.

Immediate family members, especially parents who have lost a child, often feel anger, loneliness and resentment, especially if the child died during an event in which other children lived. Sometimes, parents can feel like a higher power “took” the child from them. They might feel confused about why a higher power would take someone so young. They might experience shock and lack the ability to even comprehend the event or the loss. In many cases, depression sets in.

Even if a couple have additional children, their parental grief can tear apart their relationship and eventually lead to divorce. With approximately 300,000 divorces across the nation in 2020, that equivalates to roughly 5% of the total marriages reported in the same year.

Surviving children can feel alone and like they’re not as important to their grieving parents and other loved ones as their deceased sibling. If the child died from a preventable accident, a grieving individual might feel like they’re personally responsible, even if they weren’t the cause of the accident. If they did cause it, they might feel that their own life is a waste in comparison and experience suicidal ideation. Symptoms of grief can include weight loss, sleeplessness and even emotional and physical breakdown.

Coping With the Loss

Given that difficult emotions can lead to horrific outcomes, it’s critical that anyone grieving the loss of a child seek coping strategies to help them work through this experience. Grief with this type of loss doesn’t end with the funeral. In many cases, it never ends entirely. Parents, grandparents and siblings can grieve for years or even decades, especially as the anniversary of the death approaches to remind them of the loss. So, how do you cope with grief?

Many people have to start by admitting that they’re having difficulty with the idea that they’re no longer going to be a part of the child’s life, which includes all the incredible moments and memories they believed they would have as the child grew and prospered in the world, including all the “firsts,” such as a first love, kiss, car, dance, job, house and their own child, and personal and career successes. Bereaved parents need to recognize that their own lives haven’t actually ended with this loss and that the world will continue to make demands on them to “live” in it via day-to-day expectations and responsibilities.

Common Positive Coping Methods

Professional treatment with a counselor or therapist who has experience with this type of loss is often the best way to approach grief. A professional can inform you about the stages of grief, and develop a custom treatment plan for an individual’s or a couple’s unique situation. A professional can also help those experiencing intense or complex grief with maintaining and strengthening other relationships, such as couples who feel they’re losing their marriage and siblings who feel like they’re losing their parents.

Of course, some people aren’t comfortable with one-on-one therapy. You might feel more comfortable speaking with a family member, one or more compassionate friends or a member of your faith. Some people also discover healing through a grief support group that’s focused on the loss of a child or a specific type of loss. For example, if you lost an infant to sudden infant death syndrome or a teenager to the opioid epidemic, you might find help with your grief via a support group made of members who lost their children the same way, respectively.

In cases of loss within a family with other children or a large family, you can actually help yourself and others cope better by including everyone in discussions about how to memorialize the child and involve them in any plans to honor the child through lasting works, such as setting up or donating to a charity. With other children in a family, you can also help by reminding you and them of their importance. For example, spend more time with them attempting to do “normal” or “everyday” things as a family.

Living Life to the Fullest

Lastly, experts often recommend that those experiencing this type of loss give themselves permission to live their lives to the fullest. What does this mean?

It doesn’t mean that you lose who you are to responsibilities, such as working extra shifts for a distraction or turning to alcohol or drugs to dull or forget your pain and suffering. Instead, it means looking to how you can honor the child by continuing on even though there’s an empty spot in your life and damage to your heart.

You might start with a list of every dream you had both before and since the child became a part of your life. You might also add some of their dreams to your list, if there’s an overlap or you desire to understand them.

Once you have this list, you explore finding meaning in your life without the child in it by pursuing each dream or goal without regret. One of the best ways to cope is to remind yourself that you can’t turn back time and undo the death, but you can change how you approach every moment after it. You should also remind yourself that the child wouldn’t have wanted you to stop living your life.

It’s usually not possible to end grief entirely with such a tremendous loss. That said, you can learn to cope with it in time.